Change of Residence
by ApologeticGuy
Summary: Or how to throw an unlucky schmuck/self-insert from the real world to a fantastic death world filled with man eating little girls in frilly dresses and watch him interact with it. Also posted on SpaceBattles and DeviantArt.
1. Chapter 01: It wasn't Yukari's fault

**Disclaimer: Touhou Project is a bullet hell video game franchise created by Team Shanghai and ZUN. This is just a fan work and is not related to the original work that brought us little girls who specializes in shooting lasers while wearing frilly dresses and weird hats.**

-0-0-0-0-

I woke up with a huge headache and from the racket that was being made outside. I tossed the blanket aside and stretched myself in order to get some energy pumping in me. I'm not really looking forward on what will I'll be doing for today but I have to do them anyway if I want to keep this place maintained.

I looked around in my room and saw everything is in order. Books are on the bookshelf, my laptop is on the desk, my cabinet is closed, the door's shut and a blonde woman wearing a purple and orange tabard over her white dress with a mop cap on her head is currently seated on the chair of my desk, reading a letter that I could have sworn that I didn't have…

Wait, what?

"I must say that whoever is this ROB person, he is quite a troublesome and irresponsible mischief maker." the blonde woman said as she put the letter down on the desk, "I believe that you are its latest victim, no?"

What…

"Such callous beings these ROBs are, displacing you from your homeland and bringing you to this place." she dramatically said while I pulled the curtains aside to look outside.

Oh sweet merciful deities… My neighborhood was supposed to be filled with old houses that have an architectural design that is dated back in the 1960-70s with a small computer shop and a small convenience store in front of my home and a clinic at the side. There are usually cars parked in front of those old houses and old people usually roam around, walking their dogs and talking about stuff that I'm not interested to.

This place however, is not what my neighborhood looks like! In front of my home, a gathering of men, women and children in clothes that I'd see from history books about Japan before the Westerners appeared. They started getting noisier when I've peeked on them from my window with some of the kids with them pointing fingers at me until a blue haired woman in blue and white dress with some kind of a pagoda shaped thing with red ribbons on her head told them to stop. Behind the crowd are wooden huts and houses that you wouldn't see unless you're in the rural parts of Japan or have travelled back in time and a rice paddy, which is the most normal thing that I've seen as of this time since I usually see them all the time. I also saw some little girls flying about in the sky as well, with some of them looking at my direction with curiosity, probably because of my home being out of place in the rural Japan-like setting.

Then it struck me like a thunderbolt. I remembered a conversation that I had with my manager one month ago. He asked me if ever there was a setting I would go into, what it would be, what I would take along with me and what kind of powers would I have. I thought that it was just small talk and I've answered Gensokyo, where little girls throw around stuff with lasers. What I would take along will be my house, with all of my stuff in it since I'm not going to freeload from anyone on that setting and I don't want to be some generic gappy tourist who moves from one house after the other. As for powers, I always dreamed of being able to use magic so I said that along with being able to access some interdimensional junkyard just for the kicks.

Of course I said that I have just as much chances in getting transported to Gensokyo with my house and my powers as I have just as much chance to see mankind going extra-solar before I die on my bed. We both laughed it up and went out along with my other buddies to a restaurant to celebrate a job well done and our manager's announced resignation since he got a better job offer somewhere.

The manager that I've once worked with also saw cases of my coworkers going missing after speaking with him about science fictions and fantasy worlds two to four weeks later. I had a hunch when one of my friends went missing that the manager was a serial killer but I couldn't bring that one up since I'm not really sure about it so I had to leave it be. Strangely, the man had been somewhat wary of me when I've started sniffing about on what happened to the others two months ago.

He suddenly wanted to befriend me after he saw me visiting SpaceBattles, specifically the Creative Writing section that some guy from the internet linked to me. He told me a lot of things about Self Insert fictions and how the forum's writers use the Random Omnipotent Being as an excuse to kick off stories. These ROBs are also well known for victimizing people who managed to get their attention or out of sheer boredom by dropping them off on some fictional setting in order to see them thrive or suffer in it.

He's also been talking about the ROBs for at least once a day whenever a new SI fanfic is posted with me. The people who talked to him at least once about what kind of a world would they like to be into that went missing came back to me. Was he clueing me in on-…

Oh…

Oh my god… What the fuck… Why didn't I realize this until now…

I've been working with a ROB all along for the past two years and I didn't even notice it when he started talking about them. No wonder my some of my coworkers mysteriously disappeared without any trace or a clue. This is a whole new level of nightmare fuel for me since that ROB's out there, probably giggling and getting off on the thoughts of whom he'll be displacing next for his personal amusement.

"Am… am I in Gensokyo?""I asked to the blonde woman who is now standing in front of me. I had to confirm it, even if I know what the answer is.

"Why yes, my dear." that smile that she is wearing promises nothing but mischief and schemes with me as a part of it, "You are now in Gensokyo, and I am Yukari Yakumo, the Overseer of this Paradise.""

I let that last statement sink into me. I got uprooted from my boring but safe and easy life and replanted into a magical tourist death trap filled with little girls who are most likely to eat your guts if you're careless and stupid enough to antagonize them.

"Tell me, do you have a name that I can call you with, my dear?" the gap demon asked my name, might as well give her my name then-.

PAIN!

"HRAAGSJNAVKFAWKFAGAGD!" I can't think of anything aside from my body collapsing and violently shaking on the floor while my mind is getting an instant infodump. I keep seeing words, pictures and diagrams that I have no idea of.

"Oh my, so the part where your body will be undergoing a seizure due to your request has begun." I can barely hear what she said due to the gibberish from nowhere that I keep hearing, "Oh, it seems that the villagers are moving in to get to you. They probably saw you collapsing on the floor." I saw a gap with many eyes and two ribbons on both ends of it, "I believe that we will continue our discussions some other time, most likely when you are not going through this stage and when the villagers are not present. Oh and I've unlocked the doors for you, ta-ta.""

Yukari Yakumo left the building and the villagers came in as soon as the gap is no longer there. My consciousness is slipping as my body is being lifted by them. They stuffed my mouth with some cloth to stop me from biting my tongue and started talking about stuff that I can't make out of due to the gibberish getting louder than before.

I can tell despite my body being wracked by pain, unknown images and gibberish from nowhere that they are moving me to a place where they can properly give me treatment. I don't even understand what they're saying since my mind is too focused on the pain, the gibberish and the images that appear in my eyes like a bunch of popup ads. After a few minutes of getting lifted out of my house and put on a stretcher, I fainted.

-0-0-0-0-

 _Keine Kamishirasawa is happy to know that the young man that they've brought out from his strange looking house is no longer having an epileptic seizure. The were-hakutaku is quite familiar with the events where occasional outsiders found their way to Gensokyo._

 _Many of those outsiders are either eaten by marauding youkais while the few who are lucky enough had reached the Human Village where they will be protected and assimilated if ever they decided to stay instead of getting an escort to the Hakurei Shrine and leave Gensokyo for good. She usually conducts classes for outsiders on the rules of Gensokyo and the youkais that dwell in this realm in order to keep them from getting into trouble with some of the dangerous and short tempered ones that roam outside the boundaries of the village._

 _Outsiders that stays in the Human Village tends to be a great boon to them since the knowledge that they have can benefit the village and the humans. Sometimes, an outsider who manages to get to the Human Village, brought technologies with them and have some knowledge on how to recreate it are quite a rare catch._

 _The outsider that appeared into the Human Village however, has brought a treasure trove of technologies when he suddenly appeared this morning. While she wished that they didn't do so, the few villagers decided to get touchy with the contents of the boy's house in order to investigate the strange objects and found themselves amazed at them. Knobs that suddenly makes the room colder or warmer at a twist, a box filled with moving images of people, a pad that can be used as a writing device (though Keine is unsure on how will the device put the written works on paper), an ice box that keeps the food within it cold and fresh without using any slabs of ice, a number of switches that can bring light to the room and a strange pipe with an oddly shaped end that can bring forth water once the knob is twisted are the most interesting things that the villagers saw._

 _By now, the elders are more or less thinking of ways to convince the outsider to stay instead of making a beeline to the Hakurei Shrine and through the border, though she doubt that the person in question would be able to leave since his house is now in Gensokyo and the Hakurei shrine maiden has not been seen for the past months after the incident involving demons getting loose from Makai and acting like tourists._

 _Keine had to admit that were quite courteous despite being demons._

 _"Uurgh…" the young man groaned as his slowly eyes opened, "What happened?"_

 _The red eyes of the protector of the Human Village fell to the young man who is slowly waking up._

-0-0-0-0-

I woke up once more, this time my body's no longer in pain and my senses aren't flooded by strange images and obnoxious gibberish. Still, I can't hear anything clearly and my sight's blurry so I shook my head a little and rubbed my eyes. I think I've seen a blue thing coming towards me and heard it say something but all I could make out of it were 'lie', 'rest' and 'exert'.

Maybe aunt came by my house and saw me lying on the ground. I'll probably end up getting forced to go with her to the hospital to get me a diagnosis for seeing me like that.

"Calm…" my vision's getting less blurred now. I think I'm having a hallucination because I swear that I don't remember my aunt having blue hair and red eyes, "Take it easy now…"

I looked around me and saw more beds, some bedside tables, privacy curtains with some of them already drawm out to cover the patient within them and a door large enough to let three or more people through. There's also a window on the opposite side of the door but its curtains are drawn. I must be in the hospital now and that getting transported in Gensokyo must have been a bad dream.

"Fuuuuck…" I massaged my eyes and cussed, the blurred facial expression of the blue blob's head looked rather displeased with me for saying that for a bit, "Where am I?"

"You are in the Human Village's Infirmary." wait, what? "We had to get you here before you end up getting more injured after your seizure." oh fuck.

My cleared vision did not comfort me of what I saw, which is the same blue woman whose name I finally remembered. Keine Kamishirasawa, the Protector of the Human Village, a teacher and the resident were-hakutaku is sitting at my bedside and this place is clearly not the type of medical ward that I see in a modern hospital. I sat up before putting away my blanket, surprising her at my sudden movement.

"Wha…" underneath my blanket, I'm wearing a white patient's robes over my skivvies and white shirt, "Oh God's no… I…"

"I know that it's hard to process what has happened to you for the past hours and you've just suffered a seizure as well." Keine calmly tries to soothe me before I do something really stupid like dart past her, run outside and probably act like a crazed maniac while looking for a way back to my home and to my world.

Luckily for her, I had enough sense not to try my luck in running out on her. She'll probably drag me back here and she's stronger than me. Hell, I don't want to be the receiving end of her headbutt.

"This isn't happening… This isn't happening to me…" denial was the first thing in mind while I try to wake up from my sleep. It's not working and I'm wide awake in the middle of fictional world, "It's real… Everything's real…"

Ironic considering that I'm in a goddamn fantasy sink.

"You must be hungry after lying in bed unconscious for half the day." Keine stood up while my eyes widened over the fact that I was out for that long. I couldn't even believe that I was out for that long, "Not to worry, I will inform the staff that you are awake now and in need of food. Take a rest for the time being." she added before she made her exit.

Keine left the room, leaving me alone to mull on everything that happened to me. My ROB of an ex-manager sent me to this place just because along with my house. I had a bad case of sudden pain and somehow got high on it since I was hallucinating on it for some reason. Then I met two of the entire cast of the Touhou Project series on my first day. Finally, I woke up the second time in the Human Village and on the Human Village's Infirmary.

Wow, my Sunday sucks balls and I think I'm having another shitty day.

The consolation of this entire debacle is that I get to keep my house and I no longer have to move out.

"Fucking ROB…" I wish I could punch him in the face right now. Give him a fucking black eye or two after doing this shit, "Can this day get any worse?"

"Well…" I heard the voice of Yukari, "You were being scouted on by that vampire's maid on her master's orders." I turned my head to the source.

Yukari Yakumo is seated on the empty bed on the left. She's also holding the same letter that she had read this morning, only this time it is folded. She's also wearing the same smile that promises a life time of someone getting shat upon once her attention caught by that someone.

"I had to visit the vampire personally and told her that you are now under my protection." fuck, there goes my plan to remain unaffiliated with any of the youkai big shots in this place, "You don't need to worry yourself too much about the maid suddenly kidnapping you from your home and serving you up as that vampire's food." she said that like as if I was some kind of fresh meat- oh wait, they're youkais.

"By any chance, are you referring to Remilia Scarlet and Sakuya Izayoi?" while I'm rather interested on their actual motives, I still don't want to be involved with whatever Remilia Scarlet plans to do.

"Oh, that maid has a name?" the gap demon answered with false astonishment, "And I thought that she was an automaton."

Wow, that's kind of rude. Good thing Remilia isn't here to hear that comment or else she would have taken that insult personally.

"By the way, Theodore Nathan Ebner, I believe that you must read this." Yukari must have read my name from the letter. She gapped the letter to my lap, "While I know that reading someone else's letter is rather invasive, your circumstances had forced me to do so in order to know if you are an actual threat or not." she took out her fan and used it to cover her mouth, "It turns out that your "benefactor" is a bigger threat to Gensokyo than you. I'm not sure what I should feel after finding out about the ROB."

"I do." I can sense her smirking behind that fan of hers, "I felt betrayed, angry and a sense of longing to punch ROB's smug face."

I can hear voices talking nearby, one of them is Keine. There's also the sound of wheels squeaking, must be a cart carrying the patients' dinner.

"Hmmm… the were-hakutaku is going to be back here." she opened another gap on the floor and closed her fan, "Well I guess that this is my cue to leave, Theo dear. I'll be watching you." she then slipped down and entered the gap.

She's as eccentric as she is dangerous and manipulative. I looked at the letter on my lap that came from manager ROB, the bastard that displaced me here. Part of me wanted to tear the letter to shreds but I want to read what that bastard wrote for me and keep the letter for future references.

I breathe deep to calm myself down first, I don't want to blow this up by getting apeshit rip and tear mad at the first sentences. I opened the letter and began to read what that ass of a ROB wrote.

-0-0-0-0-

 _To my friend and former coworker:_

 _Mr. Theodore Nathan Ebner,_

 _I am pleased to inform you that I have successfully transplanted you from your world to Gensokyo, all of your possessions intact and in place. Your house's utilities such as electricity and water are unavailable as this moment and right now, you're using the backup water tanks and power batteries that your parents installed in your house so you might want to find ways to get some alternative source for those two._

 _Maybe you could find some alternative power sources from the junkyard that you are able to access or do some research with your magic to create water out of matter. Speaking of which…_

 _Giving you magic isn't an easy task since humans from beyond the fourth wall aren't used to having them and astonishingly, their bodies are emanating an aura that prevents supernatural elements from fully harming them if ever they end up in another realm to a certain extent. The same is also applied to any beneficial effects as well. I really didn't want to turn it off completely but you're going to need powers since the Spell Card Rules are not yet fully implemented and you're an acceptable target to the hungry youkais so I had to weaken it in order to enable you to use magic. If you can find a blue, leather bound book with a pair of keys crossed behind a shield on your bookshelf at your room, you are now a fledgling mage._

 _Oh and don't worry about turning youkai though, you still have some of that aura left that will prevent you from turning into a youkai magician in that setting._

 _The side effect of acquiring your new powers however is one time only. You will be in pain since your body's going to be readjusted to accommodate your new powers. You won't die from the pain but it will take you out for half a day. The cause of the pain will be your aura trying to purge your body of the foreign energy like an invasive virus getting attacked by white blood cells._

 _Finally, the current date of Gensokyo is February 4, 2001. As I've said before, the Spell Card Rules are not yet fully implemented so you might want to keep your head down for a while and try not to get into too much trouble with the residents. It's up to you whether you want to become some hotshot incident resolver, some background character, a Mary Sue or whatever, just stay safe and be careful._

 _Have good and long life in Gensokyo, old friend._

 _Your former manager,_

 _Robert O. Basanto_

 _P.S. I had to instill into you the knowledge of being able to speak Japanese but you'll have to learn how to read and write Japanese on your own. Oh and if a certain gap youkai is reading this, I would like to tell you that we are unstoppable. No boundaries will prevent us from coming. No barriers are powerful enough to block our path. You are only ignored because we have little interest in you._

-0-0-0-0-

I am really conflicted right now after reading this. He sends people left and right to any dimension at whim. He ruined the safe and comfortable lives of the ones who got ROB'd just to be entertained. Not to mention the fact that I can still remember how many of my coworkers' family, friends and lovers had searched every places that they know of to find the ones that he put in other dimensions out of shits and giggles. Hell, I'm more worried about my aunt finding an empty lot where my house was once standing and her going hysterical after losing the last of her sister's son than surviving Gensokyo.

Yeah, it wasn't a great decade to have Ebner as your family name.

After putting me through his shit, now this bastard started caring and gave me some magic while telling me to stay safe and have a long life? A while ago, I only wanted to punch his face. Now I want to punch his face and then kick his balls repeatedly. This act of kindness will not erase the fact that he destroyed a lot of people's lives just because he wants to entertain himself from our misery and struggles. He wants to prolong his entertainment material and he knows that I will do whatever I can to thrive in this horrible situation.

Fuck you, ROB. Fuck you for everything. On the side note, he has balls for threatening the Sage of Gensokyo like that and can actually back up his threats.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Keine, along with two women wearing dark green yukata underneath their white aprons and a white armband with a red cross sign on it and bringing in medicine and food on the small, wooden carts. I'll think about that bastard later and hid the letter from sight, "We had to speak with the elders about your awakening and convinced them to postpone your meeting with them until you're no longer in a state of shock."

Elders huh, they must be the ones in charge of keeping the village up and running. My appearance must have made them really anxious about me being some kind of a youkai or if the fluff's correct, they saw me as an opportunity to gain more knowledge about the Outside World and how to incorporate it to this place. I'm not blaming them for looking into them since youkais are scary as fuck and who wouldn't want to live comfortably? They probably heard a lot of stories about the Outside World from the outsiders that decided to stay here.

"So uh… when do I get to leave the hospital, Miss Kamishirasawa?" I asked the were-hakutaku/teacher, "Not that I'm in a hurry or anything, I just want to know."

"Well the doctor who is in charge of you can't be too hasty about letting you off without giving you a series of medical checkups." she smiled at me as she took one of the trays filled with food on the cart and signaled the two to attend on the other patients, "You might be able to leave this place before lunchtime."

She put the food tray on the end table first and opened the compartment underneath it and took out a small table that can be used when a patient's on bed. I've seen this in some anime back in the 2000. I can't remember the name of that anime, let alone the name of the thing. She set up the table thing on my bed and put food the tray on it.

I looked at the dinner served in front of me, which are a plate of rice with two fishes on it and a bowl of vegetable soup. They also provided spoon, fork and knife too instead of chopstick. I guess that they're prepared for outsiders who are not Japanese.

"Thank you, Miss Kamishirasawa." I'm pretty grateful about this. Doubly on the fact that they don't think that I know how to use chopsticks like any generic foreign gappy OCs from fanfics do.

"You're welcome, mister…" crap, I forgot to introduce myself to her. Better fix that now.

"Theodore Nathan Ebner, or Theo for short." there, she knows my name now.

As I eat and talk to Keine about what I will do now, I began to plan on my next move from here on out. The Human Village's elders, Yukari Yakumo and Remilia Scarlet have their eyes on me. Their objectives are pretty much something that I don't know about until I get to properly interact with them. I have an aptitude to become a mage as well but I need help in order to learn more about magic since self-study isn't going to cut it and it's incredibly risky unless I'm Marisa Kirisame. Finally, making sure that my protectorate status that I got from Yukari wouldn't end up with me doing her bidding while holding out that status over my head.

As much as I don't want it, this is my life now and the future is filled with lasers, incidents, youkais and frilly dressed little girls.


	2. Chapter 02: One generic Tengu Interview

Two weeks had passed since the day my residential address switched to Human Village, Gensokyo. Frankly, this place isn't so horrible at all if you didn't think about the darker parts of this place but unfortunately for me, I'll end up thinking about those things anyway. Clean air, not so much garbage lying around everywhere, hospitable people (albeit curious), cooler climate and the nostalgic look of the past only found in history books as well as the fantastic beings that can only be found in fictional settings, those things make Gensokyo a nice place to be into.

However, I still like my old life better, where I'm just some regular schmuck going about the daily grind and not being seen in a small degree as some celebrity. I stand out too much like a Gary Stu in an inappropriate world setting.

I want to leave but to be honest, ROB picked me up from beyond the fourth wall and there's a huge chance that there's no one waiting for me out there. I have nowhere else to go since the Outside World of this setting is also fictional. What's even worse is that it's possible that I don't even exist out there due to the lack of records proving that I was even born in the first place or if there's even an Ebner family similar to mine in the fictional Outside World. It's like being in an impregnable prison island with no boat in sight. There's no escape and I'm not going to be able to leave anytime soon.

Worse, I'm not going to be able to leave at all. Ugh, thinking about that makes me miss my old life even more.

When I met the elders, they were quite pleasant towards me. They asked me if I needed any help after going through such an ordeal. Some person amongst the elders considered the event that brought me here as some sign of a god, fucking annoying in my opinion. If only they knew what kind of a godlike creature decided to play with my life, they'll probably change their tune. I can tell that these people are trying to get me to stay here despite the fact that I told them that I'm not going anywhere. Still, I appreciate their concern and wanting to help despite being unneeded and unnecessary since I can take care of myself.

Also, I found the book that ROB told me about in the letter. A blue book is actually a journal of a nameless mage, nameless because all mentions of any names in this book are erased, fucking ROB. Normally, I would find these kinds of things as nothing more but a waste of paper and written gibberish but thanks to my brain getting crammed with magical knowledge, these things started to make sense to me. Like how the nameless mage has shit affinity towards the four basic elements despite wanting to become an elementalist and had to take up a different school of magic involving dark arts, illusions and golem creation.

What's more impressive is that the nameless mage refined non-verbal casting to the point that he can cast powerful spells without making more than two hand gestures and utter any words. There are even guides on how to use his spells, how to cast them, enchant items and build golems written on this book along with the nameless mage's life entries. It's like this journal's an idiot's guide for a specific computer coding language.

Sadly, while the book is a great instructional material, I'm not going to attempt trying to learn how to use magic without any supervision. I'd rather not challenge Murphy even more by making self-experimentation on whatever ROB implanted in me and end up killing myself in the process unless I'm experienced enough to do it on my own. I'll have to look for a teacher for magic that are not Patchouli, Marisa or fucking Mima, wherever the last one is. Alice Margatroid would be a good option but I'm not sure if she already moved out of Makai at this time so she's not a viable option. Keine suggested that I should go to the Fuwafuwa Ellen's Magic Shop at the other side of the Human Village bordering the Forest of Magic yesterday since there's someone there who might be able to help.

Fuwafuwa Ellen's Magic Shop? I'm getting a vibe on that name implying that that place is run by a really eccentric magical girl but I might as well visit it.

Speaking of Keine, she's also giving me lessons on how to read and write the local written language after finding out that I'm illiterate. Problem about that is that I'll have to take her classes along with the younger kids at her school. She didn't have any time to tutor me since her schedule's already full of other kids who needs it more than me so I've decided to take the classes along with her students. Besides, there's nothing too strange about adults taking up elementary classes and I don't mind taking one with children. It's not like their endless attempts to ask me about things and getting a rise out of me will kill me.

Still, I really wished that everyone could just stop staring at me too much.

Ever since I got out from the infirmary, the villagers around me seem to have a habit of staring at me for a bit before either getting back on what they are doing or greet me like as if I was special. Focusing on a thought can sometimes be hard no thanks to those people trying to bore a hole on me with their eyes thanks to their staring. I can also feel the eyes of one Sakuya Izayoi whenever I shuffle past her whenever I'm on my way to Keine's classes, all the fucking time. It was creepy as hell and I'm sure that the maid found her master's order as a bad idea but would still follow Remilia's orders to observe me.

Then again, my appearance didn't help my case since it's rare to find someone with brown skin in Gensokyo. A lot of people here have fairer skin complex than I am and it makes me look like a sore thumb sticking out in the open. My clothes doesn't help alleviate my sore thumb syndrome since modern age Western casual clothes do not blend well with the ye olde rural, Japanese kimonos and yukatas that a lot of people here wear.

My appearance also made me an easy person to find as well, considering that I'm currently serving some snacks to a crow tengu right now who found me while I was on my way home from Keine's class.

"I'm quite glad that I got to be the first person to interview you, Mr. Ebner." a wavy black haired tengu wearing the white blouse with a blue ribbon tie, black short skirt with gray outlines on the frilly ends and a tokin gave me a toothy grin while seated on the sofa and preparing a portable recorder if ever the interview starts, "I can't wait to see Shameimaru's face when I print your article tomorrow!"

Rivalries between tengu "journalists" are quite amazing in my opinion. Also, it seems that Hatate isn't the only tengu in this fantasy sinkhole that rivals Aya.

"So, before we begin…" I set a tray of chocolate cookies next to the two mugs full of coffee on the coffee table and sat on the plush chair on the opposite side of the tengu, "I believe that a formal introduction is in order, yes?"

"Indeed." she cleared her throat and turned on the recorder, "Greetings, I am Sasaki Kazehara of the Arashi News Press, thank you for taking a time of your day to humor me on my request to interview you."

"My name is Theodore Nathan Ebner and it's a pleasure to grant your request." I returned her greetings, the tengu is writing down things on her notebook now.

"I'll begin with my first question, if you don't mind?" she flipped one page of her notebook before looking at me and said, "How did you get here to Gensokyo, Mr. Ebner?"

Well, that question's pretty much expected. While tengu journalism can be a bit shoddy in some ways (Aya Shameimaru being the greatest concern here), they're pretty much what tengus call it instead of reconnaissance and information gathering. I'd love to answer her question with "A ROB did it!" response but elaborating about what ROBs are will take me a lot of time. Then again, I can't think of any other ways to answer her question aside from that so…

"A Random Omnipotent Being decided to mess with my life by transplanting me from the Outside World to Gensokyo." she looks confused about the first parts, "I'd love to explain more about them but you have a lot of questions to ask so I'll put it in a few words on what Random Omnipotent Beings or ROBs are; they're a bunch of reality bending eldritch abominations who tends to send outsiders and in some cases, beings from different dimensions to other worlds out of sheer boredom and not out of necessity."

"So, they're like the Sage of Gensokyo then?" Sasaki wrote the things I've said on her notebook as she asked me that, "The Sage of Gensokyo does have an ability to do such a thing as well."

"You mean the ability to bring people from other worlds to different places?" she nodded at my answer, "According to what Keine told me about the Sage of Gensokyo," by that I mean my meta-knowledge about Yukari, "… her ability is just as similar as the ROBs but the latter doesn't do it just because it needs to feed upon humans nor does it need to be believed to even exist. Anyway, let's get to the next question."

"Okay then, I'll ask you about that some other time then." she flipped one page of her notebook and looked at me, "Next question, before you got here to Gensokyo, what kind of life did you lead before your transference to Gensokyo?"

"Well, I was a computer technician to a software company. My job is to keep the equipment that my company used in their work maintained and running efficiently." I can see a spark of curiosity in the eyes of the tengu, "I've worked in that company for two years, three if my internship before graduation counts."

"That's an interesting occupation, Mr. Ebner." the tengu journalist said as she reached for a cookie, "So you have an experience in handling technologies like the kappas down at the Genbu Marsh, huh? The kappas themselves would love to know what you know."

Oh right, I forgot about those guys. The kappas are the techies in this place so I'm bound to meet one and probably ask about what I know about the Outside World technologies and advancement. They can make technological wonders according to the source materials but they're not that well-known for being humble about it. Youkai ego kind of prevented them from having coherent working group, thus preventing them from outpacing Outside World technology by centuries.

But they still have that one bad trait that involves anuses and fabled salt balls within it.

"So long as my ass doesn't get an on-the-spot kappa style proctology, I'd love to meet up with one in the Human Village." even if the kappas claim that they are friendly towards humans, I'm not going to meet up with one on my own. They'll probably try to shove their arm up my sphincter and take out the supposed shirikodama that I have the moment they can feel like they can get away with it.

Yeah, fuck that kappa noise.

"Hmmm, I might rephrase that later on... what in Lord Tenma's mask is proctology?" I could hear her mumbling about changing what I just said. Yep, I am definitely experiencing shit-tier tengu journalism/information gathering, "Anyway, aside from your occupation, could you tell us more about yourself?"

"Well…" this is going to take a while.

I picked up a piece of cookie from the platter and began to tell my tale before I got to Gensokyo.

 **-0-0-0-0-**

The interview continued for an hour's worth of me answering the questions that Sasaki had on me and her reacting to my answers in a personal way. I wouldn't to bore her with an extensive history of how I was made, born and raised and she's not that interested in listening to me droning for more than the allotted time used for this interview so I told her the summarized version of it.

I've told her what kind of a life I once had beyond the Fourth Wall or Outside World, starting with the family I once had back there until my aunt and I were the only ones left who bear the Ebner name. Sasaki commented that it might be a curse and I'm inclined to agree with her if it weren't for the fact that youkais don't exist beyond the Fourth Wall. I tried not to go into the details on how they died and told her more about the ones who raised me. My mom and dad were once engineers and clerks until they've retired from work and became farmers. I was the eldest sibling amongst the four kids that mom and dad had. My three younger siblings, two brothers and a sister are studying in different colleges across the nation. I also have at three uncles and five aunts with many of them having two or more kids and bearing the name Ebner. Of course there were other aunts and uncles who are also related to me but bears another family name but that would take too long to enumerate. We're all pretty happy about life despite having some difficulties with each other.

Just remembering how many times I went to a funeral of a dead Ebner made me feel depressed and alone.

Get it together me. Angst won't bring them all back so you better live out your life.

Anyway, my personal life, while not as glamorous as I think it will be is what Sasaki considers as interesting. For starters, I'm the type of guy who doesn't go out too much due to spending my time studying, working and being alone. I spent fifteen years doing just that, neglecting my social life to the point that I'm no longer good at being sociable until my friends back in college started helping me out in developing such skill.

I didn't have any vices nor did I ever pick up one. My hobbies are writing, reading, playing video games and collecting children's card games. My lifelong aspiration back then was to live off a financially stable life so that I could do whatever I want without worrying about living in the streets. No grand schemes of becoming a politician or a CEO of a multibillion dollar company, just a life where I can breathe freely without working my ass off until I'm old enough to become a grandfather.

It was boring in my opinion, with all the lack of the dangers of getting eaten alive but at least I'm not worrying too much about what will happen to me next if ever the residents and the environment of my new home will suddenly try to kill me in the future.

I usually get coaxed into joining in my group of friends' antics which in the end I end up enjoying it despite disagreeing with it in some occasions. I'm also treated as a little brother to my group due to how they first got me to join them back in my college days and I met them during a gaming session in an internet café that ended up becoming a tournament. That day was the beginning of me being involved with things aside from video gaming such as extreme sports, camping trips and topics that are not about gossips, hearsays on other people's lives and stuff that I'm not even interested such as show businesses.

When the tengu asked what kind of a game would get me friends, I showed her my laptop and opened Company of Heroes. She's impressed and said that she would love to interview me about Outside World technology in the future. She wanted to take a picture of the laptop's screen but her polaroid camera's not that great at capturing screenshots so I told her that I'll print her some of the pictures of the gameplay after the interview.

Back to the topic about my life in the Outside World, when Sasaki asked about my love life, I told her that I was too focused on my studies and later on, my work that I ignored that. She chuckled about that, thinking that I must be joking and asked if I had a crush on anyone, which I answered in the most honest way I could think of, which is no. It didn't help that my social ineptitude back then was horrible enough that some of my classmates told me that someone actually fell for me but I didn't notice since I couldn't recognize flirting from casual talking. The girl who fell for me left, sad that I'm that much of a brick to even notice her.

I don't know if I should get pissed off at her or feel bad for myself after she gave me the look that screams "Oh my God, this person wasted away his already short life." that I usually get from my parents and my friends whenever I keep insisting to them that girls are not on the top of my priorities.

I can't help it if I want to prioritize moneymaking and establishing a future where I'm financially well-off. Also, I forgot that humans here have preserved the tradition of the old days of Japan where if you're somewhere in 16-18 years old, you should be in a relationship or getting married by now. Back at the Fourth Wall and beyond, I can pretty much get married at any age I want and I'm not planning on doing it even now.

Finally, she asked me what I will miss the most when I left the Outside World and if I could name them all. My first answer was of course my only family left, my aunt. She took me in when the Ebner family took a terrible turn and was always with me when I was still boarding in her dormitory back at my college days. I also wouldn't be able to visit their graves anymore as well now that I think about it. It feels terrible just by thinking about that.

Second were the friends that I've left back there. I really wish that I could say goodbye to my aunt and them first before I got put here in Gensokyo with ROB's reality shifting power contrivances. I think some of them might be interested in seeing Gensokyo too if ever given an opp-… maybe I shouldn't jinx them to get ROB'd here as well.

Third will be the utilities of the modern world or to be precise, indoor plumbing, electricity and internet connection. Right now, the solar panels that Dad bought will not be enough to fill the battery packs up to at least 30% of its capacity due to the cloudy weather and the water tank's pretty much empty after some asshole left the faucet open, wasting the water stored inside. While the public bathhouse nearby isn't too bad and the water's safe enough to drink, I still want to take a cold shower and have running water at the comfort of my home. Also, the internet part's a no brainer here. That place might be a cesspool but it's a cesspool that I enjoy using.

Fourth would be the tropical climate back at home. Have I mentioned that Gensokyo has four seasons, with one of them going to be a huge problem due to how I once lived in a place where the seasons are either sunny or rainy days? If Yuyuko Saigyouji ever starts hatching a plan that will involve prolonging the winter season just because she wants to see the tree that loves to eat people that looks at it bloom? Yeah, that's going to be fucking problematic and I need to find a way to get my house's electricity back or else I'll freeze my sorry ass off once winter hits unless I remodel my house to have a traditional heater that runs on charcoal to keep the place warm. Looks like I'll need to strike a deal with those proctologists if ever I meet one.

The last on my list would be the food and drinks that can't be made or grown here. I don't know if there's a place here where I could get coffee since tea's the most prevalent kind of beverage here. I think one of Reimu's future fairy neighbors might know where to get coffee so I might ask her about her supplier in the future. There are also the tropical fruits like mangoes and bananas, something that this place's climate will not be able to sustain. Saltwater fishes and shellfishes will also be missed a lot as well, no more shrimps, crabs and shark meat for me to eat. Bread's also another thing and I'd rather not visit the Scarlet Devil Manor to have some. Not to mention the numerous cuisines from my home country, something that I wouldn't find here nor at the SDM due to the former sticking to the old Japanese style and the latter being European.

After that answer, Sasaki clapped her hands and concluded the interview. She pressed the Stop button of her recorder, thanking me again for letting her have an opportunity to interview me while taking the last cookie and ate it. She tried drinking the coffee but couldn't finish the cup due to the taste of it.

It's not like what you guys drink are any better. I couldn't even stand drinking green tea unless there's crystallized honey to sweeten it.

I also asked why it took two weeks for them to notice me despite appearing like a truck with a loud horn and adorned with neon lightings. It took a few seconds of silence before she answered that the reason why I didn't get swarmed by tengus is because Keine Kamishirasawa told them off before they could even get the chance to pester me.

I should thank Keine later for that.

I was about to lead her out of the house when I finished handing her the screenshots of my laptop until I heard a knock from my front door. 

**-0-0-0-0-**

 _Sakuya Izayoi knows that the person that her master had ordered for her to observe is aware of her for quite a while._

 _She mentally sighed as she remembered the time when the young man got out of the village's infirmary and saw her. The first thing he did was to pretend that he didn't notice her and immediately walk as far away from her as possible. After that day, it became his routine, avoiding her like a plague on a daily basis no matter what. Every attempt to interact with him will be met with him scurrying away like a mouse that got surprised and saw something quite dangerous._

 _Her Mistress spoke venomously about a gap generating hag and how that wretch presumably poisoned the mind of the outsider human with her biased opinions towards her, not that the previous incident that her Mistress started help in alleviating the Sage's rather unpleasant view towards her._

 _In her opinion, it would have been better if the Mistress did not make such unreasonable orders and wonder why it did not work as it comes back to bite her. Even Little Mistress agrees with how idiotic Mistress could get whenever she tries to create grand schemes that will inevitably end in failure due to discounting the other players of the board. The Vampire Incident being one of those that ended with the Sage of Gensokyo enforcing a deal involving the human residents of Gensokyo._

 _Little Mistress didn't let Mistress hear the end of it for the next months after that incident she caused had failed spectacularly._

 _"At this rate, Mistress would not be able to get the young man under her influence." the head maid crossed her arms as she walked, "Hmmm…" as she pondered while she walked until she came to a halt just nearby the house of her Mistress' interest._

 _She had a realization on why he avoided her no matter what._

 _The young man has been made aware of not just the Scarlet Devil Manor and its residents but also that deal made by the Sage to the humans in the village. He is an outsider and a human to boot therefore he is an acceptable target to Mistress and any man-eating youkais outside the Human Village. He's likely to have heard the rumors of the Scarlet vampires that lives on the other side of the lake and took them seriously as well._

 _While her Mistress does eat humans, it doesn't mean that she's just as voracious of an eater as any of those youkais that lived outside the walls of the manor. Even the other youkais who live within the manor's grounds are not going to eat humans that they will see left and right._

 _"If I could play my cards right, I might be able to convince him that there's no need to fear Mistress and get…" she began to walk towards the house that stands out amongst the wooden shacks of the village, "Oh, who could that be?"_

 _Sakuya saw a tall, green haired woman heading towards the house of her Mistress' interest. She wore a dark blue vest over her white long sleeved blouse and a black skirt with red and white ribbons adorning the edges of it. Her blue and white hat has a golden emblem in front and white and red ribbons on the back. She is also holding a wooden rod that speaks of what kind of a being this one is._

 _"I am not surprised to see the yama take her day off to lecture someone…" Sakuya looked as the yama made it to the front door and knocked._

 _When the door opened and the young man looked at the person who knocked, the face that he made was quite hilarious that she had to stifle her laugh._

 _"Greetings, Theodore Nathan Ebner." the yama greeted the young man casually._

 _Sakuya decided that today was not a good day to enact her plan to convince the outsider of her Mistress' wishes to interact with him. She would leave him be for now and wait for another opportunity to speak with him._

**-0-0-0-0-**

Eiki Shiki, the Judge of the Paradise. The Yama in-charge of the souls that come to her realm and judge them if they're going to be reincarnated or have their souls repurposed in Hell. She's also one of the nicest characters in Gensokyo due to her active attempts to lecture people to change for the better, telling them on how they fell short on things and what they could do to change for the better. She lectures people so that they wouldn't end up fucking up so badly that they end up in her court where they are likely to be sent to Hell.

She's also currently standing right in front of me, at my doorway.

"You are an easy person to find, Mr. Ebner." I don't think I'll be able to respond to what she said. I'm too stunned to even come up with something and right now, I'm probably making an expression of a fish that was forced out of the water, mouth wide open and eyes getting wider.

"Good day to you, Ms. Yama." Sasaki cheerfully said as she came to my side, "I didn't expect you to have an off day today."

"Ah, Ms. Kazehara, have you contemplated in what I've told you in our last conversation?" Eiki asked the tengu, who started cupping her chin and think of an answer to give.

"Well…" I'm going to make a good guess that she didn't listen to the yama, just like every youkai that she had lectured, "Not really, Ms. Yama. Old habits die hard and changes are kind of hard to do, even for a tengu of my age." oh wow, I doubt that Judge Eiki will not like that answer now.

"I must insist that you should try to change for the better, Ms. Kazehara." looks like Eiki's readying herself to switch to lecture mode now, "If you don't-…"

"I know, I know…" she cut off the Judge as she shuffled past her, "I'll be boiled in a lake full of lava while some oni poke me with sticks to see if I'm dead yet and I would forever remain in that place, always in pain and torment while being unable to die in the process like that immortal from the bamboo forest." when she's outside, her black wings sprouted out and she started floating, "Oh and thank you for giving me a time of your day to interview you, Mr. Ebner. Let's do this again sometime next week."

After saying that, the tengu left the scene. Admittedly, she was quite in a hurry in doing so since the Judge is here and would likely lecture her ears off. Eiki sighed and muttered something about people always doing that whenever they met her. I can't blame them for doing it to prevent themselves from hearing what they don't want to hear. While Eiki means well in doing so, she ends up coming out as a nagging mother with a propensity to exaggerate in order to get her points straight in their eyes.

I wonder if the Judge realized that she's pretty much driving others away from her. It's most likely that she does and doesn't mind it at all. Maybe she thinks that they will come around someday and when they do, they will change for the better.

She's quite compassionate in keeping mortal souls from getting sent straight to Hell. I wonder how many people she had sent to Hell despite being lectured by her.

"So…" I finally recovered from my initial shock from being visited by a tall being that is actually the final judge fabled in many religious texts and literatures, "Would you like to come in?"

"Ah yes, thank you for inviting me inside, Mr. Ebner. We have much to discuss…" she thanked me as I stepped aside and led her inside my home and to the couch where she seated, "… starting with your soul's complete lack of any track records of your past deeds before you were sent here first and foremost." despite how calmly she stated her topic to me, I can tell that she's quite serious about this.

Looks like ROB's fuckery has struck me once more.


	3. Chapter 03: The ROB Question

_On the way to the Tengu Village and near the waterfall, Sasaki Kazehara is quite happy to see Aya Shameimaru's reaction after she told her that she got to interview the outsider first._

 _"You cheated!" Aya fumed at the fact that she lost a gold mine of news scoop to a rival, "You were up all night, waiting for dawn to pass and flew towards the Human Village before the rest of us can prepare for the day."_

 _"And managed to secure future interviews from him on Outside World history, technology and the entities responsible for bringing him here, Aya~." Sasaki mischievously added to the editor-in-chief of Bunbumaru Newspaper's grief by bringing up that information, "As one outsider said, "You snooze, you lose."."_

 _"You little…" Aya had enough of the other tengu's gloating and sighed in frustration, "You won this round, you broad but next time, I will be the first to get to the big scoop."_

 _"Well good luck with that then, Aya." she smirked at the frustrated tengu who flew off on to the opposite direction of her._

 _Some of the wolf tengus who saw the conversation of the two tengus were also amused about the topic that the two were talking about. Then again, the wolf tengu on guard duty tend to have a very boring job and it isn't rare for one to find some form of entertainment to pass long hours of doing nothing._

 _When the conversation is finished with Aya zooming away out of the scene, the small number of wolf tengu who saw the scene dispersed except for one wolf tengu._

 _"That was certainly interesting." a wolf tengu whose white hair was tied behind her back like a ponytail and carried a shield and a sword sheathed at her back commented with some amusement at the exchange that she just watched, "I can't believe that my suggestion actually worked though."_

 _"Yep, and I thought that the other girls would do what I was planning to do as well, Ryoko." the crow tengu lightly slapped the back of the wolf tengu named Ryoko and smiled, "Aya thought that I'd let that jab on me being slow in her past newspaper issues pass huh? Who's slow now, you speed freak?"_

 _Somewhere nearby, a fairy named Irony laughed._

 _"You do realize that she might attempt to get back at you in the future, right?" Ryoko crossed her arms and warned Sasaki, who is having a small celebration of her victory._

 _Ryoko Kobayashi is one of the wolf tengu that currently guards the waterfalls. Despite the difference between the wolf and the crow tengu, she had been friends with Sasaki for a long time ever since she brought her a set of outside world photo journals (magazines to be precise) back when she was still a newly assigned guard to keep herself entertained while waiting for anyone to intrude the tengu's borders._

 _Ever since that day, Ryoko Kobayashi and Sasaki Kazehara had become best of friends, much to her fellow wolf tengu, Momiji Inubashiri's chagrin. Then again, Momiji finds the crow tengu as whole as annoying and useless, with Aya being on the top._

 _"That's true, but at least I managed to get her on this, Ryoko." Sasaki's mood didn't change a bit despite the warning, "Oh and before I go, you should see this…"_

 _She opened her bag and took out five images of the screenshots that she received from her interview with the newcomer a while ago, when the wolf tengu saw the pictures, her eyes lit up with excitement._

 _"These are similar to the photos that I've seen from the outsider picture journal that I've read." she took the images from the hands of the tengu and began to examine them, "They're a lot more refined and detailed compared to what I saw on the picture journal." she looked at Sasaki, "Sasaki, does the outsider also have the machine that can play these?"_

 _"Yep, he has one." Sasaki's answer made the wolf tengu excited judging by her ears perking up after hearing the answer that she wanted to hear, "I could hold the next interview on your day off next week so that you could meet him yourself."_

 _In the next few minutes, Sasaki found her hands being shook vigorously by Ryoko and herself getting showered by gratitude by the wolf tengu like how child would when given with a gift that they've longed to have. The crow tengu knows how her wolf tengu friend's interest towards the photo journal's contents and her wishes to see one work in her own eyes._

 _She couldn't wait for date of the next interview to come._

 **-0-0-0-0-**

"… despite what you say about your rather… long list of shortcomings and past sins, which I couldn't confirm if all of it were true or not…" she pocketed the mirror that she uses to view a person's life as I feel a headache incoming. I guess that telling her that I've done a lot of terrible things in my life didn't work to convince her that , "… the Ministry of What's Right and Wrong has technically marked you as a newborn due to your soul's nature."

By that she meant that I haven't been reincarnated at all and this is my soul's first cycle in this world. Then again, I don't even know if souls even exist in the first place since these supernatural crap doesn't even happen at all back at my place. For all I know, being a 'newborn' might be an appropriate term for me since I probably didn't have a soul in the first place due to it not existing at all until I entered this fantasy kitchen sink.

And yes, I am skeptical about all of this despite living in Gensokyo for two weeks and being an atheist who just got exposed to a supernatural realm for the first time. Speaking of being a heathen, I sure hope that Reimu, Hijiri or Miko wouldn't take my stance as one as an affront to them if ever they appeared in Gensokyo (in the cases of the other two). I respect the fact that they have something to genuflect upon and some of their tenets are nice but I'm not going to worship anyone or anything at all. Dealing with fucking door-to-door preachers had been a pain in the ass back home and I'm sure as hell that I'm not dealing with whatever that passes off as their door-to-door preachers back here as well.

Still, Eiki looked somehow glad that I just made a confession of all the things that I've done in my past.

"While I don't know what kind of realm you came from, the Ministry would like to know if you have any information regarding an anomalous being that entered my area of jurisdiction two weeks ago." Eiki dropped that question down like a nuke wrapped in brightly colored decoration on a really drab city.

Hoo boy, the ROB question huh? While I can simply tell Ms. Kazehara that I'll answer that question some other time, I can't really tell the Judge off about this. Her superiors might end up ordering an official inquiry about it on me, complete with a shinigami compliment. If that happens, keeping secrets and lying isn't an option in the face of judges who can see through my soul.

"I can sense your hesitation upon my question, Mr. Ebner…" well shit, looks like Eiki managed to read me, "This anomalous entity that you call ROB did send you to Gensokyo and I saw your previous conversations with Ms. Kazehara. The anger that you harbor to this being is bordering to dangerous levels."

Well shit, she isn't a judge just because she was given the title after turning from a jinzo statue to a personification of all religion's hanging judge. The mirror doesn't have any record of my Before Gensokyo life but she still had my actions archived from the day I came here. I shouldn't have expected her to give me some slack and not record my daily activities from day one here in Gensokyo.

"It would be nice if Yukari was here though…" I offhandedly commented after I sighed in resignation, "I don't want to explain this twice to two powerful entities of Gensokyo."

"You called, my dear Theo?" Yukari's voice said as I looked at the place where it came from.

The Sage of Gensokyo appeared on the other plush chair, seated with her legs crossed and her gap on top of her closing up. I would have been surprised but I didn't have the energy to be surprised at her due to my lack of breakfast.

"You look peckish, Theo…" Yukari said in mockingly worried tone, as expected from a deceptive youkai powerful enough to turn me inside out, "Not to worry, I'll have Ran prepare food for us all." I saw another gap appear in front of my television, "Ran, if you may."

From that gap, a nine tailed kitsune wearing a white and blue tabard walked out of it. Her ears are covered with her talisman covered mop cap. She doesn't look amused in my opinion due to how serious she looked and her arms are crossed underneath those large sleeves that are linked together.

"Understood, Master." the kitsune answered her call before turning her eyes on me. Somehow, I can sense a somewhat small amount of pity from those eyes, "May I borrow your kitchen for the time being, Mr. Ebner?" she asked.

How she knew my name, I'll make a good guess that she was already debriefed by Yukari on my situation.

"Uh, sure, go ahead…" I allowed her to do so, not that I'm too lazy to cook my own food for today due to the lack of energy to do it myself or anything. Before she walked towards the area, I remembered that the water I got there isn't unlimited, "Just don't overuse what little water I have there." I added.

She nodded before calling upon her familiar, Chen to come and gather the ingredients that she will used from a small gap that she created. Judging by the rather childlike voice that I picked up from that gap, that's probably Chen.

"Mr. Ebner." Eiki's voice snapped my attention back to her, "I believe that you have an exposition to give out." she reminded me.

"Ah yes." Yukari opened her fan that covers the lower parts of her face, "My dear Theo, my knowledge towards these ROBs is insufficient as it is. A little enlightenment on such topic would be most wonderful."

 _ **-0-0-0-0-**_

 _"Random Omnipotent Beings or ROBs for short are reality bending entities that roam from one dimension to another. How we came across about it is unbelievably stupid and impossible even to this fantasy kitchen sink's standards but their antics are usually recorded by an internet forum site called SpaceBattles." while Ran Yakumo is busy preparing the meal for her master, the yama and the outsider, she couldn't help but to listen to the conversation currently ongoing on the sitting area as she washed the vegetables, "There's also Sufficient Velocity that records their actions as well and to some extent, that cesspool of a site called ."_

 _"Recorded you say?" the yama's voice sounds excited in her own opinion despite being above these kinds of emotions, "So these instances had already happened in numerous occasions then?"_

 _"Yes." the Ebner boy confirmed, "I even have some of the written records of their actions saved in my laptop, I'll let you review them later on."_

 _"By all means, please do so, Mr. Ebner." Eiki said in an approving tone._

 _"Master Ran." brunette girl wearing a green mop cap and red and light pink tabard came out from a gap and brought a container full of fish and meat. Her cat ears are not covered by the mop cap and her two tails are out in the open, "I've brought what you've asked for me to bring. I double checked the container to make sure that there's no human meat in them."_

 _"Good." Ran took the container and put it on the counter, "Chen, try not to be too loud and help me prepare the dishes."_

 _"Yes Master." Chen took a knife from the rack and started preparing the fish._

 _"… These beings sound like a bunch of swell chaps that I'd love to share drinks with." Yukari sarcastically commented as she giggled while the yama coughed a bit, "Still, how did you get accosted by these ROBs?"_

 _"Well, I worked with him and became friends with him for two years." the bitterness can be felt from here as she listened on, "That bastard sent a lot of my friends and coworkers to whatever place he felt like placing them on."_

 _"Oh my…" Yukari sounds a bit less amused about that bit._

 _"Believe it or not, I've told him back when he was still disguised as my manager that if there's one place that I wish to live for the rest of my life if ever I got sent to by a ROB would be Gensokyo." the kitsune's eyes widened over the fact that the outsider knows about her master's realm, "I also added in some bits about being able to go to some place where all objects end up to if they're lost and having an aptitude to learn and use magic." the Ebner boy chuckled mirthlessly, "Of course I scoffed that idea coming into fruition and that I'd rather die not worrying about ending up on the Sage's dinner table, served raw-…"_

 _"I doubt that I'll ever do such a thing though." Yukari interjected with mock indignation._

 _"… and working on making sure that I live a well-off life once I get too old for work." he ignored the comment of her master, "Two months after that, I ended up in this place."_

 _"It seems that your entrance to Gensokyo seems to be a rather sour topic to you." the yama's tone sounds a bit consoling, "Let's move on from that."_

 _"Yes, please do." the outsider agreed as Ran began to turn on the electric stove to cook the rice inside the pot that she put on top of it, "I'd rather not remember that bastard."_

 _"Moving on, I'd like to get a gist on why these ROBs do these kinds of actions?" Eiki started another topic away from the methodology of the ROB's action on the Ebner boy._

 _"Reason why they do this huh?" there was a bit of silence back there and the only things that can be heard are the sound of the pot boiling and Chen cutting away the meat into pieces, "Does out of boredom counts as a reason why they do it?" Ran found the boy's answer as both serious and straight to the point despite the fact that it sounds rather stupid._

 _"Out of boredom…" Yukari repeated the reason, "I find that reason rather lacking, Theo." she added while Chen opened another stove and started cooking the fish._

 _"Yet they do it anyway." the Ebner boy sounds insistent in his reply to Ran's master, "Still, despite that reason, it did turn out quite well for the realms where the victims are put into."_

 _Ran Yakumo listened with fascination as the outsider recounted various tales of the "victims" of the Random Omnipotent Beings. Human souls put inside machines and sent to dimensions where they are given the tools and power to intervene before a greater tragedy happens. A normal human sent to a realm where society slowly descends into cessation under a zombie plague a year later and planned ways to save good men and women from it by any means necessary, even if it means killing a man responsible for the future deaths of many others once the event hits. Men who stared upon the darkest hearts of a world full of heroes and treachery. A rather misfortunate person who is forced into the weakest body ever perceived and had to face many challenges that he faces in every world it enters into._

 _The kitsune looked at her shikigami and found her in awe at what she had heard. She can tell that she's quite interested in hearing more of these ROBs' "victims" and their ability to overcome their handicaps. These "victims" are quite similar to incident resolvers despite getting press ganged into solving the world's problem for them._

 _"These victims don't sound like victims at all if they benefit from their rather inconvenient situation." Yukari commented after the Ebner boy got tired of recalling the ROB's antics._

 _"You're looking at one, Yukari." the outsider made a rather annoyed response to Ran's master, "I'm most likely trapped in this realm for the rest of my short life along with whatever deities know how many man-eating eldritch abominations out there that look like little girls in frilly dresses who are thinking of a way to take a huge chunk out of me. There's no one waiting for me at the Outside World of this reality..." he snorted at the last world, thinking of the sheer irony of the fact that he's stuck in a fictional realm that became his reality, "... and up to now, that idea is still eating me from the inside." he sighed, "I don't even exist in any of their records back out there if all things are considered. Starting back at square one with little to no resources at my disposal isn't ideal as what many shitty fanfic writers try to write off as something good."_

 _Ran and Chen would have found that last part more tragic if it weren't for the fact that Gensokyo is importing forgettable outsiders with nothing to lose and no one to remember them by to feed upon the youkai residents that roam the realm._

 _"So, these ROBs are like the Sage of Gensokyo, chaotic and has a penchant desire of playing with other people's lives." Eiki's comparing of Yukari with the ROBs had made Yukari huff in indignation, "The differences between those two are that the ROBs do not limit themselves to Gensokyo and their constant need for entertainment can be beneficial to other realms where they send their victims to."_

 _"Master Ran." Chen whispered as she holds a plate full of prepared fish that she will be putting on the dining table, "Isn't Master Yukari in constant need for entertainment too?"_

 _"Sort of…" Ran began to cook both the meat and the vegetables into a stew on a pot on the stove after she removed the cooked rice, "Though she does eat her source of entertainment after she gets bored with them."_

 _Ran and Chen continued to prepare the breakfast as Eiki, Yukari and the Ebner boy continues to discuss the topic about the ROB. Her master seems to have a severe disdain towards the ROBs, probably due to how she was one upped by one when it managed to sneak up on her and implanted the new resident in her realm. The Ebner boy, despite having a grudge towards the ROB that somehow ruined his rather stable life, spoke positively about the ROBs while using rather crude words to describe them. The yama found these beings as both troublesome and altruistic despite doing things out of impulse and boredom, then again she doesn't agree with her master at all due to her chaotic nature in many occasions._

 _By the time they are finished with the topic, it was already quarter to 10:30 according to the wall clock at the kitchen. Fifty minutes has been spent on the topic of the ROB. Ran prepared the table by gapping in the plates, bowls and eating implements and ordered her familiar to tell them that the meals are ready._

 _ **-0-0-0-0-**_

Half of my day got spent on expositions…

Half of my entire morning got spent on talking about ROBs and getting interviewed by a tengu…

Good thing about this is that I got free food from it in the process.

After that delicious meal that Ran and Chen cooked, I gave both Eiki and Yukari the printed stories about ROB's victims from my laptop, causing my ink and power supply to take a hit. Honestly, I need to find a way to contact the kappa.

Yukari was the first to leave the house after she finished receiving the printouts. She said that she had a job to do and a border to maintain. Her familiar and that familiar's familiar cleaned up the kitchen and the dining room first before following their master. I thanked them for the food for the second time before they left via gap. Eiki was the last to leave my house since she wanted to discuss my karma. She gave me a small lecture about my paranoia and issues towards the ROB.

"While being cautious is a good virtue to have, it must not become the only driving factor in your new life. Gensokyo might be a harsh place to be in for a regular human like you but only if you're not the kind of person who would care about the consequences of your actions. Too much caution to the point of paranoia can distort your views in life and skew your ethics if you let it poison your mind and too little of it can make you careless and foolhardy who thinks that everything will be all right and of no consequence." Eiki went on lecture mode as I stood at the doorway, "Don't let your past tragedies and grudges become your identity, young man. You still have your life ahead of you, so don't waste it."

"It's not like I'll turn into some angst driven Gary Stu that lives in a fictional realm, ma'am." I scoffed and made an offhanded comment on what she said last. Somehow, the Judge smiled at that despite the fact that I somehow sound like a really disrespectful dick.

"Breaking the fourth wall is still against the law, even if you are a native from that place." oh wow, did she just make a joke? "Anyway, I hope I don't see you in my court too early and consider your empty slate a second chance in doing right in your life, young man."

"Likewise, Judge." I returned the sentiments, "Thanks for the advice."

With that, Eiki Shiki has left with the documents in hand. Somehow, I don't feel sorry for the schmucks back at her Ministry once they see the content of those things, a large number of Yukari Yakumos who are unrestrained, uncaring and eternally bored cosmic horrors who sends people into different dimensions for the sake of entertainment with the altruistic aftermaths being the second thought of it. Good news for them is that they don't pay attention to anyone who isn't from beyond the fourth wall and they don't need to eat anything. Bad news however is that they're giving away power like free candy because they're totally bored. Better news of that is that the ones they are giving powers to tend to be the ones who are quite responsible and are not shitty teenagers who are on a quest for more power to show off to whoever sees them and build a goddamn harem of main characters who got delegated to the role of cheerleaders.

The last pro being the best one there is because I'll actually be scared shitless if they implanted some Gappy Stu into any Commander units from Planetary Annihilation and let him have his/her way with the multiverse.

Still, I think they don't need to worry too much about ROBs since many of them are currently focused on the Wormverse for some reason. I've read some parts of Worm and honestly, it's fucking depressing and infuriating due to how everything is shitty back there. Also, it's kind of rare to see a Touhou SI story that doesn't involve Yukari Yakumo having an itch to be incredibly irresponsible and gap some teenager from whatever stuff they are doing in order to make them solve some huge incident instead of asking Reimu to do it since it's her job to do so. ROBs are dicks but they're not that evil enough to send some kid to a death world unless the kids have enough metaknowledge about the setting they'll be into.

Anyway, I need to visit Keine for today to thank her for keeping the crow tengu off my back.


	4. Chapter 04: Friends and Connections

When I got implanted here, it was February 5, 2001 according to Gensokyo's Gregorian calendar. Today's July 4, 2001 so it's been four months since my stay here.

I'd like to say to myself that I'm doing quite well despite being a newbie here for four months.

To start off on what I've been up to for the last months, I can now read the native characters without ending up mistranslating it too much thanks to Keine's lessons. My stuff hasn't broken down yet thanks to me being able to maintain all of them. I'm also earning some living here as some kind of a pseudo-curator of the Outside World technology museum (my house to be precise), a part-time employee of a magic store and an odd job person after classes.

Sakuya's no longer stalking me too much after the day of my interview… Well, she rarely comes to the Human Village nowadays. Remilia must have ordered her to stop and attend to her needs. After all, Remilia's pretty much a demanding master once she sets her eyes on something that she wants.

That or she's probably training fairy maids on how to be a proper household help. Ellen and some of the villagers had been hearing gossips from the fairies about the SDM hiring fairies.

I'm wearing the clothes that my neighbors made so that I wouldn't look too out of place here. It's a dark blue kimono that I usually see in historical mangas involving rural Japan. I find it strange to wear something like that but it's better than standing out too much on a daily basis. I still wear my old clothes on some occasion but most of the time I'm wearing what the villagers wear. My brown skin stands out but not as much as before thanks to me not going around the place wearing clothes that are fashioned in the modern era.

I'm not going to replace my boxers with loincloth though.

I've made some friends here in the Human Village and some parts of Gensokyo aside from Keine.

My neighbor, the Saotome household which consists of two elderly couple who works on the nearby rice paddy was the first to come by and welcomed me to the village. They were the ones who helped me out in integrating here so that I don't stick out too much. I also help them out on their work whenever I could if my schedule for the day isn't filled with maintaining the solar panels, getting interviewed by Sasaki, attending Keine's reading lessons or Ellen's magical lessons. Mrs. Saotome also made a blue kimono for me to wear so that I wouldn't go around the village in my Outsider clothes.

Some of the curious kids back at the Temple School also started visiting me more often in order to watch some of the Outside World videos that I started making a business out of. One of the older kids back there, Rin Satsuki would come along at my place with a dozen of kids in the tow just to watch a movie or a cartoon for a few Ryo. Of course they asked their parents for permission to come by my place first and I don't let them watch the horrifying and mature ones that I have. Strangely, they seem to understand the language that they hear on what they watch in many cases but they couldn't understand the written ones.

One of the village elders named Takeo and his family became an ally of mine after I helped out in finding their youngest granddaughter Hinami who got lost in the Forest of Magic. There, I nearly got attacked and eaten by fucking Rumia had Chen not tailed me when I got separated from the search party when I found her. I never thought that Chen was that fast enough to pound that grue to the ground. Anyway, Elder Takeo pretty much grounded her for doing that stunt after we got back to the village and after she cried herself dry for nearly getting eaten by fucking Rumia.

One thing for sure is that I'll have to brush up my magical skills if I want to be able to defend myself from other youkai who are like Rumia. The way she talked pretty much crept the shit out of me.

Sasaki Kazehara and Ryoko Kobayashi pretty much considers me as a friend after months of correspondence with the crow tengu's Arashi News Press. The latter was a big surprise on my part since I couldn't believe that there is a tengu who is really interested on video games of all things. Her knowledge is rather outdated though. Most of the magazines that she showed me dated back when people are still playing around with 3D tech in making a game. Speaking of which, thanks to Ryoko showing me the magazines, I finally have no doubts that the Outside World is way too different to the reality where I came from.

For starters, there are too many gaming companies that I know little of and the ones that I'm familiar with took a different path in making games.

Sasaki also said something about her boss wanting to meet up with me in order to know more about the ROB. Didn't they get the memo that ROB's not interested on anyone that isn't from the human realm?

Strangely, I always see a crow or two pass overhead of me whenever I leave the village.

Ellen, the owner of the Fuwafuwa Ellen's Magic Shop is pretty childish as her appearance says. Her ability to remember things is what I also found as something that needs improvement.

A lot of improvement needed to be precise since in some occasions, she asks for my name for two or more times if her memory's taking a dump on her.

Good thing her cat Sokrates (yes, it's spelled like that) is good at remembering things for her, especially the important ones. Anyway, despite her memory lapses, she's quite knowledgeable about magic and as proficient as a teacher as Keine is. Thanks to her, I can defend myself by flinging magic missiles to the face of any youkai that wants me for dinner. Still, I'm not going to risk myself by going out of the village unless I'm confident enough to fully defend myself without assistance. Also, thanks to the book that I acquired and Ellen helping out in supervising me, I can also cast some utility spells for my use. Hard labor and house chores got a bit easier thanks to me being able to levitate heavy objects, create wards to keep my clothes clean and cook food without using electricity or firewood.

Reisen Udonge Inaba and I became close acquaintances after I helped her out when she got pranked by Tewi Inaba on the way to the Human Village. Despite the fanon interpretations, Reisen's pretty introverted and anti-social, probably caused by years of living at the Moon and her trauma during her army days. Whenever she passes by, I usually buy headache remedies and cold pills from her and we talk a bit before she moves on to another place. She's pretty surprised about the fact that I'm living in a house that doesn't scream countryside though when she made her first round near my place.

Still, while I did made friends during my stay, there are still some people who seems to disagree with my presence. Most of these people disagree with my presence because of their superstition towards technology that those fucking kappas spread in order to keep it for themselves. Looks like I'll have to convince them otherwise about that. Although, the methods that I will use on how I'll do it will be a challenge on my part.

In a rather tiny minority group of those people who disagree with me, they seem to have a hard on against me. These people will always try to antagonize me whenever they can. For example, the little shit in front of me for example.

"Hey." a dark haired young man in dark green yukata gave me an intimidating look as he carries around a wooden sword and "greeted" me in a menacing way in the middle of the marketplace. He's a perfect example of what a Japanese bishounen looks like and it pisses me off. How the hell did I nearly die thanks to some asshole that looks like a girly man, "Outsider..."

In my opinion, I've seen worse back at my country's worst parts. A lot of people are staring at us now after he greeted me like that. While some are amused, the rest seem to have an urge to plant their palms to their faces and gave my aggressor a dark look. Apparently, a lot of them didn't like the idiot in front of me.

"Why aren't you wearing your clothes today?" hoo boy, aren't we feeling a little antagonistic today, you puissant? "Afraid to hurt our feelings that you had to wear what we wear, you youkai lover?"

"How are you doing today, Makoto?" I greeted him, unaffected by his comment and watching his face redden thanks to my lack of reaction, "I hope that you're trying not to keep yourself out of trouble now."

Makoto Ootori, also known as the village's equivalent of an Internet Tough Guy/Delinquent who suddenly got some degree of mod powers before an admin pegged them down. Despite the fact that he has the face of a pretty boy, his personality's pretty horrible. He spends his time of the day loitering around and not doing anything productive to the village. If he isn't causing a ruckus within the village, he's seen kicking around some fairies that are passing by and goading weaker youkai to attack him before reminding them that the rule on human villagers still exist. To add the cherry on top of this shit biscuit, he's the son of a village Elder.

One wonders why these people exist and why anyone hasn't thrown him out of the village. I for one couldn't believe that such an idiot is still breathing even after garnering this much disproval. I'm sure that this must be ROB giving him plotarmorium grade plot armor in order to give me an adversary and a reminder that youkai residents aren't the only problem that I should worry about.

I didn't even want to become his and his gang's enemy in the first place but ROB and Murphy wanted to see something go wrong for their victims.

I pretty much became their enemies after I stood up against them and defended a nest full of sparrow chicks from getting stomped by this asshole two months ago.

It's petty as fuck and incredibly pointless if you ask me but it mattered to this guy.

How it happened was that me and Ellen were about to return to the Human Village with a bunch of ingredients that we'll use for the next lesson until we saw him and two of his two hanger-on who were about to stomp a fallen nest of sparrow chicks.

There are just some kinds of evil that I wouldn't simply let pass. Sadism towards harmless animals is one of those things.

Ellen tried to stop me at first but before she could do that, my knees already met the crotch of that pretty faced fuck. He screamed so hard that a bunch of gate guards investigated the scene, only to find me trying to get the nest back in its place and three guys on the ground. Ellen took out the other two when they flashed their knives at me for attacking them with a sleeping spell.

What happened next involved Kotohime arresting all of us, a two hours' worth of prison time for me and Ellen on our first offence, Ootori and his group making stupid threats that I know that they wouldn't be able to follow up (Murphy laughed at that statement) and Ellen telling me that there was a youkai nearby who saw it and was about to kill them off. I asked the last part to Ellen if it was true after the three of them got tired of making threats at us.

Apparently, if I haven't kneed the guy's crotch to stop them from squishing a bunch of birds, a night sparrow might have eviscerated the three of them after it escapes the restraints of a firefly youkai. Mystia and Wriggle were nearby and I wouldn't be suffering an annoyance in my daily life if I didn't made fucking Makoto Ootori scream like a cat by breaking his balls. Ellen pretty much called me 'stupid apprentice' for the rest of our short stay in prison until Elder Takeo bailed us out of jail.

Still, my magic teacher told me that thanks to my efforts, the night sparrow didn't get into more trouble with the humans and youkai enforcers.

Makoto's pretty pissed about me and Ellen getting out early and demanded the Elder to kick me out of the village. It ended badly for the retard when Elder Takeo told him that he nearly started an incident thanks to his brainless act of cruelty in front of a bird youkai. He also added that he waited for this day to see him in jail in order to get Elder Ootori to see that his son has been nothing but a troublemaker.

Huh, guess that the plot armor for him is starting to wear off when I smashed his babies.

To pour more salt on the already festering wound, he said that I've had a lot to offer to the village and compared to someone who causes trouble to outsiders and the village on a daily basis, I'm much wanted here compared to him. A small part of my mind blames old man Takeo for painting a target on me.

After that event, he took every opportunity to target me just because of reasons after an outsider managed to be let off without too much of a punishment (though I've took up community service thanks to my "unprovoked" attack). He's also pissed off since many villagers are standing up against him after what I did to his balls. Daddy's status is no longer giving that much weight in defending this idiot after the village police picked him up for ruining the fields where I worked on. Sadly, he's still an annoying fucker that I wanted to brain after he nearly killed me some time ago.

"Oy, you think that you're tough just because you hide behind some old man's back?" he spitefully said to me as he grips his fake sword tighter.

"You mean the old man who declared me as an ally to his family after I risked my life in order to save his grandkid and has a significant position in this village as an Elder?" I know that answering back with cheek would piss him off but I have something to back me up. A certain teacher watching the exchange, "While my affiliation towards them can gave me powerful ammunitions to use, I'd rather not use their name and influence to fight my own battles…" I paused for a bit in order to look at the delinquent to his face while smirking, "I can deal with you on my own. Besides, isn't it ironic that you're the one who does that sort of action more often? Hiding behind your daddy like a whipped little boy you are?"

Makoto's anger flared up after that and in the blink of an eye, he swings his wooden sword to my head. I did not expect that and I didn't have enough time to stop the attack. Good thing however…

"Get back." the voice of one person that I'm familiar with suddenly shoved me away from the attack of an angry teenager who thinks he's invincible.

"Wha?!" … is that Makoto didn't have any time to react when his toy sword got grabbed by a really irate Keine Kamishirasawa with one hand.

"Aren't we getting a bit bolder, young man?" there's a lot of anger dripping from that rhetorical question Keine said, "Planning another murder attempt towards Mr. Ebner?"

 **-0-0-0-0-**

Okay, time for a little story about my second brush with death.

After my rather short jail time, Makoto and his gang were not in great terms with me, and to some extent, Ellen. They'll always find a way to become a bunch of unproductive nuisances in order to annoy us. At first the villagers didn't mind and thought that it would come to pass and they'll move on or something. I for one was not that naïve and knew that they'll escalate the entire conflict into something worse.

Much to my chagrin, my expectations had been met after the series of ruining the fields of my elderly neighbors, spreading gossips regarding me, creating a ruckus at Ellen's shop and causing trouble whenever I'm nearby were as effective on making me want to return to the Outside World as attempting to convince a Diamond in the Rough version of Yukari Yakumo to stop gapping selfish kids to fatten them up with tea before killing them off and then munch on their corpses.

I was in a district of the Human Village, delivering a package full of sweets to Missus Saotome's grandkids. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings and there were too many people back then until I got grabbed by Makoto and his rabble in a surprise ambush by the alley. They then bound and gagged me before I could even call for help. There were eleven of them and they dragged me from the village to the youkai infested areas near the edge of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost and beat the shit out of me. Holy crap that wasn't a fun ordeal thanks to those training swords they used on me.

I broke a lot of bones in the process. They were calling, jeering and taunting me at each punch, kick and blows that I received from them. I lost some of my teeth during that beatdown and I got hit on the crotch on multiple occasions. I pretty much resemble like a pulped meat thanks to what they did. I didn't know how I managed to stay alive at that point but I know that the amount of pain that I've received from them is something that I will always remember.

They were about to leave me there for the dead until Ran Yakumo showed up in a form of a gigantic nine-tailed kyuubi, complete with fox fires and bloodshot eyes staring at them. I could have sworn I smelled shit and piss as my mind passes out after the pain got too much for me.

While I was knocked out, Ran carried me to the closest medical facility that she could find that wouldn't piss themselves in fear just because she didn't have any time to transform. When people saw my bleeding carcass being carried around by a huge, nine-tailed fox monstrosity, majority went on full panic mode. As much as her master has some kind of a one-sided rivalry with the former Lunarians, I needed to be treated as soon as possible and she didn't have any choice but to bring me to Eientei.

When I woke up after the pain overriding my senses, I was at Eientei with Keine and Elder Ootori sitting on the bedside chairs and Reisen bringing in the medicine I needed to recover. I was out for an entire day and it would have been a lot longer if Eirin Yagokoro didn't administer the needed meds immediately. The Elder apologized repeatedly for what his son did to me and told me that he's spending a lot of time in the Human Village prison now after what he did to me.

I wanted to get angry at him for letting Makoto run rampant until I nearly died again but I'm too tired at that time thanks to the medicine to even bother ranting about his lack of parental skills. It's also hard for me not to outright reject his apology with really blunt words since his fucking son is responsible for me nearly going to the yama's place the second time. If I could even move my arm back then, I would have punched his face for his piss poor performance in bringing up his own son. Sue me, I wasn't thinking reasonably back then and I really wanted to hit someone for what happened to me.

Keine however, is quite happy that I'm alive. She also apologized for not being able to get to me faster to prevent me from experiencing that kind of a beating. Unlike the corrupt Elder who didn't raise his son right, I can easily forgive Keine without any hesitation. Besides, she was conducting her classes when that happened and I was on the other side of the village, doing some deliveries until the ambush happened. She's not at fault on what just happened to me.

I stayed at Eientei for two more days due to Eirin applying a powerful medicine on me to recover fast. My body needed some time to recover since the effects are quite powerful. How she applied it involved needles and getting poked with them repeatedly. It was really boring to just lie around all day thanks to the med's effect but at least I can talk to people back there.

Still, I'm living a Touhou fanboy's dream during my stay there since I met Kaguya Houraisan. She's quite a conversationalist and a hospitable host, far from the reclusive NEET Kaguya fandom shit that people keep writing about. We both swapped stories during my stay there to pass time until I'm able to get back on my feet.

After that visit to Eientei, Makoto's gang's reputation tanked so hard that some of the villagers wanted their rabble to be kicked out of the village and let the youkai outside the village have their way with them. While that bastard Ootori managed to protect a few of them including his own son, the five other gang members who beaten me up were not so lucky and were evicted from the village. A lot of debates were had about the draconian punishment that they've received but those five guys were no longer tolerable to the populace.

It didn't help that those five guys pissed off a powerful youkai when they trespassed her territory and started baiting the other youkai living there to fight them the other day. The youkai in question is Yuuka Kazami and the territory in question is the Garden of the Sun. How they did it? I'd rather not know since the motives behind it would have been really stupid for me to comprehend. Truly human idiocy at its finest and they deserve a Darwin's for that.

My return to the village made a lot of people happy since they thought that I got eaten by a youkai and came back alive. Hinami cried since she thought that I died and Elder Takeo held a dinner celebration for my return. A lot of village guards promised that they will never let anything like that happen to me or anyone ever again and said that the ones who ignored me as I got dragged to the forest were fired and then exiled for what they did. Sasaki and Ryoko were glad that I'm back and I got interviewed on how I lived through that ordeal. The Saotomes are quite glad that I'm alive and also celebrated the fact that I'm still alive. Keine and Ellen were overprotective towards me for the next two weeks. It took me some time before I could convince them that I could take care of myself.

As for Makoto and his gang, they weren't happy. Five of their numbers became youkai chow at this point and I'm quite sure that those five's parents hated Makoto for getting them involved in that crime. I'm still alive and kicking despite the shit that they did to me. Daddy's protection isn't powerful enough to give them protection from getting them kicked out if ever did something similar to their homicide attempts or at the same level of that. If Ellen's words were true, a bunch of youkai are now vying for their blood after hearing about the human who kept on baiting them is about to get kicked out of the village if he fucked up. He's not so invincible anymore so he's trying to keep himself out of trouble or else he'll meet a bad end.

Still, the day the damned kid died horribly in the hands of his own idiocy will be a holiday for me to celebrate. Yes, I pretty much hate the kid for nearly killing me and I'm quite sure that the feeling's mutual.

Anyway, back to the scene.

 **-0-0-0-0-**

"Teacher…" Makoto's anger is getting the better of him, again, "Out of my way… That youkai lover deserves to be dealt with before he let that kyuubi into the village!"

"Young man, you are skirting closer to the point that not even your father will be able to save you for your actions." Keine's grip on the wooden sword got tighter to the point that I can see it starting to bend. Half-youkai strength at its finest, "Either you cease and desist or I will force you to stop in my own way."

At first, I thought that he wouldn't listen to what Keine said and just go straight for me… actually I was hoping that he would come for me instead. I was planning on testing out the nameless mage's spells on him. He'll also be one more step closer to getting kicked out of the village for good as an added bonus. He's looking at Keine with disgust towards her and Keine's returning the favor to him. Makoto then looked at me with the same amount of contempt that he gave to me ever since I came back to the village alive and well.

In a surprising act of common sense, he let go of his broken bokken and walked away from the scene without a word. I wish that this would be the last time that I'll be dealing with him but that's just wishful thinking in my opinion. Whenever I make that mental wish, he'll probably come back for more in a couple of days.

"Are you all right, Theo?" Keine's attention went to me after Makoto left the scene and the villagers went back to their usual routines.

"I've been through worse." I huffed a bit, not letting that guy affect me one bit, "Anyway, I better go now."

"Late for Ellen's class?" she sighed in exasperation, "I'm quite sure that she will be throwing quite a tantrum once you show up."

"Meh… beats nearly dying in the hands of morons and man eaters any time of the day if you ask me." I shrugged my shoulders. Ellen's tantrums doesn't end up with me getting literally whipped with a riding crop or be used as a magical test dummy so I don't mind, "Besides, Ellen doesn't mind me getting late for the time being. She's probably showing her new employee around the shop and teaching her on how to handle some of the dangerous stuff lying around the place or preparing her shop for the day or something."

 **-0-0-0-0-**

 _The Fuwafuwa Ellen's Magic Shop is a shop that stood out in the rows of wooden houses with Eastern designs is a strange place. Despite being owned by a magician who is didn't seem to age for a while, the humans still let her and her business remain within the village._

 _Using materials that only kappa craftsmen and builders could produce such as bricks and glasses and the principles of Victorian Era, the two story building is just as much of a curiosity within the Human Village as the modern era residence of the newcomer. The shop's sign is posted above the display glass that shows the merchandises that are being sold. The paned door has an 'Open' sign hanging on a nail behind the glass. The exterior is painted with light red and white with caramel yellow outlines, which helps in attracting more attention. Various posters of items sold such as magical brews and trinkets are on the shop's small bulletin board._

 _Within the shop, the first thing that one would see once they enter the shop are three stools where customers sit down and wait, a doormat with 'Welcome' written on it, shelves with various items behind the wooden island counter, a display area where the owner of the shop features her merchandise outside, more posters about the shop's items that are for sale, small wooden star and moon shaped ornaments hanging on the ceiling and a bell and a small jar filled with jelly beans on the countertop._

 _Behind the counter, a child looking, cheerful blonde girl with a red ribbon hairband and dressed in a light red and white dress under her white apron is wiping the countertop clean with a cloth. She is humming a tune as she focuses keeping the counter clean, while thinking of what might happen today. While people who are unfamiliar with her would mistake her as someone else's child, the villagers know better that the little girl behind the counter is the owner of the shop._

 _"Meow." a white cat jumped up at the part of the counter where the girl finished wiping._

 _"Did you wipe your feet before you hopped there, Sokrates?" the girl cheerfully asked as she continued doing what she's doing._

 _"Meow…" Sokrates looked rather indignant at the girl's question._

 _"Don't you say "Ellen, I always do that before I sit here" mister." she puffed her cheeks and stopped wiping the countertop in order to look at Sokrates._

 _"Meow." the white cat said as he licked his paws and started cleaning the back of its ears._

 _"Theo?" Ellen cupped her chin and thinks for a bit, "Well he hasn't made it here, Sokrates. He's probably talking to the villagers or getting bullied by that Missy person."_

 _"Meow?" Sokrates sounds worried._

 _"Oh don't be like that, Sokrates. Markie's not going to try and kill Theo again unless he wants to be executed with extreme prejudice. Besides…" the shopkeeper giggled before crossing her arms and smiling smugly, "Theo can handle himself, you know! After all, I did teach him how to use magic."_

 _"Meow."_

 _"My new employee-…" before Ellen could finish her sentence, the bell rang as the door opened and from it, someone entered the shop._

 _"Good morning, Miss Ellen." Sakuya Izayoi greeted Ellen and bowed._

 _In her hands she held three envelopes with bat shaped seal. Each of the letters is addressed to someone. Two of those are specifically addressed to one Ellen and one Theodore Nathan Ebner._

 **-0-0-0-0-**

 _"Oh my…" Yukari Yakumo fanned herself as she is seated at the porch of her home while watching the maid delivers her master's invitation to Theo's magic teacher through her gap, "It seems that the vampire is finally making a move on our human friend."_

 _"Shall we intercept the mail, Master?" Ran asked as she brought a plate full of sweet bean jelly and laid it next to her Master._

 _"No need, my dear." the Sage rejected the suggestion as she took a piece of the sweet snack that her familiar made, "I'd rather not get any more involved with the outsider that some of the more prominent youkai residents are starting to take interest of." she added after taking a bite._

 _"I see…" the kitsune nodded as she looked at the gap where Theo made it to the shop and saw the letter._

 _"Besides, I'd rather be uninvolved in whatever mess that the residents of my land get into unless it requires my concern or if he is asking for help." Yukari smiled when the boy's reaction changed from tired and confused to angry, "After all, spectating is so much easier than taking a part in it."_

 _'That and you're too lazy to do it.' Ran mentally responded to her Master's answer as she now looked at the gap that shows the boy and where he currently is._

 _She was quite glad that Chen wasn't here right now. Right now, the young man is using his rather crude vocabulary to express his disproval to the content of the letter. Yukari Yakumo however, is quite amused at the reaction of young man._

 **-0-0-0-0-**

"I've always wanted to see the vampire's manor myself." Ellen cheerfully said while I reread the invitation once more, "I wonder what I should wear for the party?" she probably ignored the endless barrage of expletives that I've said a while ago.

I never thought that she would be this direct in my opinion. Gensokyo's vampires tend to be polite but when it comes to getting what they want, they would do their best to subvert your way of thinking to make you need them for something that you want. They're usually indirect when it comes to doing things that matter to them and they're more likely to try and manipulate something to benefit from it.

This however, is pretty much something that I'd expect from someone who is known for being manipulative and discreet.

"Remilia Scarlet invites you to join her in the celebration of her great and honored ancestor, Vlad Tepes the Third's legacy for this evening." I've read the main objective of the letter aloud, "… Your attendance will be much appreciated… what the hell..."

I never expected this to happen. I was prepared for cases where Sakuya might lead me out of the Village through any means possible. I was prepared for cases where the Spell Card Duels are enacted and Sakuya decided to challenge me to a duel with the bet of me coming to SDM and talk to Remilia Scarlet as her prize. I was prepared for cases if for some reason, Yukari decided to be irresponsible or bored enough to gap me to SDM to see how I'll react. Hell, I was prepared for cases where Remilia gets incredibly desperate enough to order my abduction at any time despite the fact that Yukari's still protecting me.

Hey, you'd be paranoid as hell if a well-known manipulative being from the canon series took interest of you. I wouldn't be surprised if they know what my hobbies are and what I usually eat as well as my lessons on both Japanese writing language and magic.

This however, is not something that I'm prepared for. An invitation to a party in order for me to come is something that I couldn't believe that it would happen. Rejecting this invitation might be something that Remilia Scarlet might take as an offense to her since she probably wrote this personally to invite me, Ellen and the new employee.

"Is there a problem with the invitation?" I looked to my left and saw the new employee of Ellen's shop.

The new employee in question is a purple haired little girl wearing a typical witch's black hat and coat with golden outlines and white frills over her white and purple blouse and pink skirt. While many people would mistake her as a human child, me and Ellen can see her elven ears and bat wings. In other words, Ellen's new employee is a typical devil in a typical witch's getup.

Funnily, while the villagers fear the marauding youkai residents outside the boundaries of the human village, they don't mind the devils from Makai. Then again, they were quite polite and courteous to the villagers when they toured Gensokyo. They didn't cause too much trouble, helped out when some youkai attacked the humans, followed the rules that the village has during their visit and they cleaned up themselves whenever they've made a mess.

It's hilarious that the embodiment of man's corrupt and darkest desires and sins as depicted by a lot of religious texts are the ones who didn't shoot first, ask questions later while the ones who resolved the Mystic Square incident ended up wrecking Makai thanks to that doctrine.

Even after the entire incident was resolved, the devil tourists were not holding any grudges to the ones who wrecked Makai. The entire place gets wrecked in numerous occasions anyway and it's usually them that do that, just like Old Hell and its oni residents that had partied too much. They even returned back to Makai without any fuss after Shinki ordered them.

Yukari Yakumo was muttering something about devils being more cooperative than youkai when I asked her about the incident.

Anyway, I've mentally rambled too much about the previous incident.

"Yes Pio…" I answered the devil who is staring at me with her violet eyes, "I find it weird that I got invited into a party from out of the blue."

"Is it a normal reaction for humans to act like that?" she's curious about my sudden outburst towards the invitation.

To be honest, I wouldn't act like that if it weren't for the fact that Remilia Scarlet is interested on me for a different reason and she ordered her servant to stalk me. I would have been interested on the party that Remilia Scarlet started. Maybe I'd be thinking of ways to make sure that I don't fuck up my first impression towards the Mistress of Scarlet Devil Manor. Now, I'm thinking of the chances that she might do something during that party where I might end up working under her despite having a time hax maid and an army of fairy maids to take care of her mansion and how much will I owe her if in case I fucked up at her place.

That or it might be my paranoia talking and this party will be just like any other normal parties that take place in Gensokyo. I really hope that I got invited to a normal party with me being a guest and not a center of attention.

"The swearing part?" she nodded when I asked, "Yeah, it usually happens. Especially if you know who invited you."

"Come on Theo, there's no need to be too angry towards this Remilia person!" Ellen went to my side and elbowed me, "It's not like she's hatching a megalomaniacal plan or anything that involves the three of us."

I could have sworn that I've heard ROB and Murphy laughing softly when teacher made that statement.

"I don't know…" weighing in the pros and the cons of accepting a party invitation made by a vampire that can control fate is easy, picking which side I'll choose to take isn't fun and games.

On the pro side, I get to see SDM in its full, realistic (by this reality's standards) glory and meet its residents. I get to know their motives myself and if possible, convince them that I'm not interested in them. If canon is right, I get to meet the anti-social, shut-in vampire called Flandre and a really perceptive youkai gatekeeper who looks asleep named Meiling. The worst thing that could happen to me there is to be prodded like a lab rat by Patchouli and getting lost within the manor. Hopefully, Remilia Scarlet will drop the entire thing, just leave me alone and stop sending Sakuya to stalk me again if ever she goes to the village.

The cons however, involves Remilia not accepting my rejection and hatches a plan that will end up with me getting too indebted to her that I might end up working for her as a butler or something. Knowing her, she'll use every trick on the book while keeping a polite front while doing it. Fanon being right about Flandre being batshit nuts and turn me into a fine red mist. Patchouli getting too interested of me that she wants to do experiments on me. Fairy maids having brain farts and barrage me with magical bullets at first sight. Sakuya going after me after Remilia got emotional by my actions that caused some offense on her.

To summarize the con side: It's a powder keg, waiting for something to ignite it. I'm not going to delude myself with hopes of things going well for me if I did ignore Remilia's invitation.

I really hope that this isn't one of the last mistakes that I'll ever make in Gensokyo.

"Fine…" I really didn't want to take my chances and hope that fanon wouldn't be at play in this Gensokyo, "I'll come along with you guys."

Pio smiled at me and grabbed my hands. Her eyes have an excited gleam in them.

"You're not changing your mind on this, right?" the devil assistant's voice matches the excitement in her eyes, "Right?"

She really wants to see that mansion, huh?

"Yes Pio, I'm not changing my mind." she's really getting worked up about the party and seeing the mansion as well huh? Still, gotta pop my teacher and her devil assistant's bubble first since they're forgetting something, "Don't we have a store to run this morning?"

"Oh no, I forgot about that!" Ellen immediately ran for the sign in order to swap it to open.

"Whoopsie, I left the brewing cauldron!" Pio panicked and flew towards the door that leads to the workstation at the back.

"Well, I have to change the items featured at the display." I shrugged as I went behind the counter and took what items that will be scheduled for display today.

While I'm at it, I better think of a way to make a good first impression to the SDM lot and how to get away from whatever machinations that they are planning on. I don't want to get involved in any of her future plans, thank you very much.

 **-0-0-0-0-**

 _Patchouli peers into the crystal ball and watched the person Remilia Scarlet is interested of._

 _An outsider came into Gensokyo in an obscenely flashy method of teleportation powered by energy that she could not comprehend or duplicate. It was something akin to the youkai of boundaries: unparalleled, incomprehensible and eldritch in nature. She wanted to know more about it since she can tell that the outsider is definitely holding back on the information about the entity was responsible for his predicament._

 _Ever since Remilia found out about the outsider who managed to enter Gensokyo in such an odd fashion, she wanted to have the outsider be brought back to her throne room and make him a part of her staff. The Unmoving Library understands why the Scarlet Devil wanted him to move into the manor after reading various tengu articles about the Outside World and him._

 _Her knowledge about the Outside World's magic or what they usually call as science isn't broad in her opinion. Books about it are extremely rare and difficult to acquire. Outsiders before the recent one contributed too little due to the severe lack of knowledge. Most of the books that she had about the Outside World did not cover beyond the 1900 due to the transportation of the Scarlet Devil Manor. Few pieces of information regarding the modern world are usually found at the tengu's territory._

 _Remilia also finds them more infuriating to deal with the tengus than the Sage herself and admitted to find the latter more tolerable by a small margin compared to the former._

 _The young man called Theodore Nathan Ebner not only studied such knowledge but has collected enough books and pieces of the Outside World's magical artifacts (electronics and gadgets) to allow her research towards such topic to be expanded. Having someone with such knowledge and firsthand experience towards such things close by would be beneficial to her research._

 _It would be a great boon to her if ever Remilia manages to convince the outsider to join them and become a part of the Manor's staff. The Scarlet Devil Manor has been looking for an outsider to work for her as a butler for a while and it has been quite a while since an outsider has come to her manor. Most of the time, her guests did not stay in Gensokyo for too long and the ones who did remain in Gensokyo would rather live at the Human Village._

 _Patchouli started thinking of plans if ever Remilia's attempt to hire the outsider fails. From what Sakuya had gathered, the young man is trying to learn magic from a Human Village's magus named Ellen and is quite willing to learn more about it. She needs to think of an offer that the young man couldn't refuse…_

 _"Master, your medicine is ready." her familiar/servant/librarian, Koakuma had arrived with a plate full of pills and a glass of water._

 _"Thank you Koakuma." Patchouli cut off her scrying spell and felt her body sagged in relief._

 _… after she gets enough rest and had taken her medicine._


End file.
